When I Close My Eyes - The novel (Intro)

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9:00PM

November 21st, 2013

Dear diary,

There. I stood right there, staring into eternal darkness. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, recounting the past moments that led me here. I don’t know why, but I felt I have lost all time; now I was helpless.

Why can’t we just live life without any consequence? 

 I felt a pounding in my chest. The strong winds blew hard against my hair, brushing it aside my eyes. I took in a breath of fresh air and felt it fill my lungs. But nevertheless, I knew this was it. The game was up.

I really had to wonder whether there was someone watching this. Why was God doing this to me?

All the religious books say the same thing; to believe in the almighty and believe that whatever happened was for the good. But how was it so?

If only we knew.

But yes, there is a time for everything and in my case, it was over.

 My mind was full of thoughts; the ones that made me smile, the ones that made me cry and the one which gave me pain.

I had to wonder whether it was my fault. If only I had not wasted time, if only.

I gulped down in fear, knowing exactly what to do now. I looked around my sides and made sure no one was around.

This was not a place where people lingered around, rather it was dead; although, something about this place felt alive…magical.

The trees never talked, but I felt a certain sense of communion with it as it gently swayed along with the wind, happy to see it again, as if it were an old friend.

I looked up, above, to see the beautiful blue canvas stretched to infinity, scattered with cottony clouds.   

I walked along the side and felt the lush green grass tickling me, trying to bring a smile to my face.

I sat down on the dry grass, with my arms around my knees and felt the hollow wind, brushing through my forehead, as if caressing it gently; just like her.

There was a burst of orange in the skies, as the sun sank beneath the horizon; it had done its job for today 

and was out to fill brightness into someone else’s life, in some other home, in some other part of the world.

I sat there waiting.

It was almost dusk. I looked up, to see the skies slowly turning grey. Dark bellied clouds lured mysteriously creating eerie patterns in the sky.

 I felt the cool soothing breeze flow through my fingers making all my burns evanesce.

My thoughts were perpetual. It travelled along my past; the raucous laughter through the happiness and the dry stillness through the sad moments.

My mind was frozen and all my thoughts had a scenic winter frosty blur. As for my heart, it was already dead.   

My distant thoughts were interrupted when I felt it; I could feel the slight tremor and the squeak of the railway track. The train was approaching.

Everything was pitch black; not even the moon was visible.

My mind felt the same; no more hopes, no more dreams, nothing more. It’s funny when you realize that we only live along a few metres, but our commitments run along miles.

I took a few quick breaths, puffed a little steam into my palms and rubbed them together; they felt a temporary warmth which went away to be replaced by the piercing cold breeze.

We face a similar situation in life.

Some people come to fill warmth into our hearts. They stay there and make sure you feel good. They make sure they fill your hearts with hope, dreams and happiness. One fine day, they leave you all alone, forgetting what they meant to you. The bitter cold strikes again, only this time, it feels worse.

I paced onto the railway track.

If life ever taught me something, it is to never depend on others and to never expect anything from them. When you can’t fulfill your expectations, you break down.

 A drop of water fell from the sky, right onto my cheek; maybe the heavens were crying. And then, another one fell on my forehead; soon, it started to rain.

I could hear the distant blaring of the horn through the loud pattering of the rain. I watched intensely as it grew nearer.

I folded my fist and gripped it tightly.

The grass swayed harmoniously, dancing to the rhythm of the rain. They felt happy.  

The bright yellow light from the railway engine was approaching nearer.

“This is it.” I thought to myself.

Sometimes, we all have that time, where we go through a phase; you see your whole life flashing before you. Right then, I was facing a similar situation.

Suicide was never an option. But right then, I was literally out of my mind.

 You see some things which you wished never happened, some things which you wished, you could've done otherwise and some things which you wished lasted with you forever. It all depends upon what we choose to keep and what to forget.

I stood steady; fear taking a grip over me. I heard noises in my head, or were they actually happening outside?

The rain fell harder. It was dark and all I could see was the bright head lamp approaching me; steady but quick.

My arms trembled.

“Should I do this?” I thought to myself.

I felt a certain tremble. The railway tracks were vibrating and the squeaks were becoming louder.

The engine chugged forward; maybe someone might’ve noticed me standing there. There was a loud blaring of the horn.

I was sweating profusely; I felt heat radiating from my body. This was almost instantly cooled down, by the crystal drops of the rain; my breathing became heavy. I felt high; almost about to fall down unconscious.

 I closed my eyes and saw her. She smiled at me with that ever so beautiful grin. I smiled back, trying to be a little brave; my eyes teared up. The pounding of my heart increased and I felt certain dizziness. My knees felt weak and my legs started to tremble. 

I wanted to caress her forehead and hug her all day.

But just like the mist of a dry summer morning, she disappeared leaving a strange feeling of emptiness in my mind, in my life.

The grass swayed harder along with the trees; they now seemed alarmed. They were trying to tell me something.

My shoulders shuddered as I heard the ravaging rumble and the cacophony of the sounds of thunder.

The thunder rolled nearer and nearer, till the heavy clouds burst asunder and poured harder, behind which were large demonic streaks of lightning. There were no intervals; heaven and hell were unleashed along the skies.

A blinding flash of lightning made me close my eyes again.

This time, I saw my dad.

 He wiped a tear off his face and his lips quivered in an effort to smile through his sorrow.

“Come back to me son.” He said. “You very well know, that I don’t have anyone, other than you. Please come back? Don’t do this dear.” His voice trembled.

What was I doing?

I became weak. I had to stop myself.

No. I shouldn’t. This was final; it was my decision. I had to quit, because this world was not meant for someone like me.

But, what about my dad? What would he do? He doesn’t have anyone; he doesn’t have any moral support other than me. 

I don’t know; I guess I was confused.

The train was just a little farther away. I could see its engine lights clearly now.

I really needed to think this over now. But I didn’t have time. I shouldn’t leave him, but I can’t stop myself.

“Jishaan,” I heard her voice. “You shouldn’t give up. You know I love you, just relax and don’t do this.”

“Do it.” I heard another voice. “You deserve to die.”

I saw my dad again. I couldn’t do this.

I decided to step off the railway track. I immediately made a move towards my left, when I slipped and fell down. My left foot was stuck between the track interchange. I tried to nudge but couldn’t move an inch.

Oh God why!?!

I pulled harder, but it wouldn’t work. The train was nearer; this was it.

“So I guess it had to end this way?” I thought to myself.

This was really awkward, but at least it wouldn’t be suicide anymore. I had too far to lose it all. I had a feeling of mixed emotions. A drop of tear slid down my cheek along with the rain.

That is when I saw a bright light from somewhere; it was definitely not the railway engine nor was it the lightning, then what was it? Where was it coming from?

I heard noises too; a sort of strange shouts.

I sat down there, on the track with my left leg crouched, wondering what was happening now.

I looked through the thick curtains of the rain to see a man; he was running with his flashlight pointed towards me.  

“What the hell?” I thought to myself.

The train was just metres away.

He jumped through the stones and landed beside me.

“Remove your shoe!!” He shouted.

I looked at him blankly; he was drenching wet. He had a fierce expression. He pointed his flashlight towards my foot that was stuck. The train was almost nearer now.

“Do it you moron! Or we both die here.” He shouted.

I loosened my left foot and quickly nudged again; it didn’t move. I tried again but nothing happened.

The stranger tried to pull it out but it didn’t work either. I literally felt the earth shake, with the blaring of the 

train horn.

The train tracks trembled in sync with my body. I was panting as I tried to breathe in gulps of air, without the rain water trying to make its way through my mouth.

He took his flashlight and stuck it between the two tracks underneath my foot.

“Now pull!!”

I pulled hard and it finally came loose.

The train was going to hit us! The stranger caught and threw himself along with me, to the other side. We fell down with a thud while injuring my elbow in the process.

I looked in horror, as the train passed by, smashing the flashlight into shreds of pieces. I felt my fingers pulsating anxiously, as I stared at the railway track.

“That could’ve been me…” I thought to myself, as I looked at the broken fragments of the flashlight, with a feel of ghastliness.

I looked to my side to see the man lying face down, panting for breath.

I was lying down on the ground just when I felt something wet seeping through my upper arm. I touched it with my fingers and felt it with my thumbs; it was bleeding really bad. My head felt heavy and the world started to spin around me. My legs felt weak and my shoulders started feeling heavy; I was breathing faster.

My head hit the ground along with my body and I dozed off as the heavy drops of rain hit me in my face. I could only hear my heart pulsating.

I closed my eyes and fell unconscious.

    *                  *                   *

I don’t know whether it was the day or night; I don’t know whether I was alive. I squinted through my eyes to see where I was, but couldn’t make out anything. My vision was blurred; maybe I was half asleep or maybe I was dead.

 I could make out a sharp beam of light and a few dark figures looking over me.

I guess I was dead.

“Shanti! Bring me a towel, quick! This boy is bleeding badly.” One of the dark figures notioned out to someone.

“I’m coming! Just give me a minute!”

I very slightly tilted my face towards my right to see two more of the dark figures.

“Will he be alright baba?”

“I sure hope so.” He nodded.

“Look baba!” One of them said pointing at me. “He is conscious.”

“Here’s the towel and all the other stuff you asked.”

He took the towel and gently touched my upper arm. I let out a loud shriek, as the stinging pain ran through my arm till my shoulders.

The other dark figures abruptly moved away from me. Probably they were scared.

“Maybe we should alert the authorities.” One of them said.

“It’s alright Shanti, he will be alright.”

He looked at me, or maybe was he?

“Now you just relax.” He whispered. “Sleep.”

I did as he said and drifted off into my world of darkness.

*                 *                 *

The skies were almost red with a hint of grey, peeking through the corners of the clouds; heavy drops of rain fell on my face and made it hard for me to run through this chaos. People were shouting and slogans were being called out with rebellions all over the campus. Red flags were being raised everywhere.

I didn’t waste time; I ran for my life.

“Karan!” I shouted. “Where is Zia?”

I looked behind to find her, being pushed by a few female cops.

“NOOO!” I shouted and ran towards her.

She was helplessly being tossed around. The atmosphere was filled with agony and pain; it was filled with the smell of rain and bloodshed.

I ran through the crowd, almost getting hit in my eye. I splashed through the mud, dodged the batons and pushed through the cops. I pulled her out and got her into my arms; I held her tightly.

The cops pulled out their batons and started bashing me with it everywhere on my body. I didn’t give up and held Zia tightly along my chest, without letting her go.

Out of the blue, Karan came running to our rescue. He pushed away the cops, pulled us out and we ran for our lives. We kept running with Zia along my side.

We kept running, splashing through the mud, the blood and the corpses until we saw a bright light in the end; We stopped right there.

The bright light became very fuzzy and started blurring out my vision.

“What is going on?” I thought to myself.

“Baba!” Someone shouted.

I pulled my arm and shielded my eyes with my palm, as the light grew brighter and the fuzziness started to clear away.

“Baba, come quick!” I heard again. “He is awake.”

My head started swirling and my eyes started focusing on something, or rather, someone.

I sat up bolt right, with beads of sweat all over my face. I tried to talk, but my tongue felt stiff, as if it were 

like that for a long time. My mouth had a peculiar taste, which for some reason made me open it. My throat felt soar and it was dry just like my mouth.

“What am I… Where... How long...” I started blurting out in confusion.

“Hey! Hey!” He started.

“But how did I... who are... oh God what’s going on!?!”

“Hey! Just relax! Calm down.” He said.

“But what is going on?” I asked with my eyes wide open.

My muscles felt stiff and my joints were creaking, like that of and old machine, which wasn’t used for a long time.

 “All you need to know is that you owe me a flashlight.” He said bluntly.

I tried to sit up; I pushed my lower back and tried to lever myself up with my arms. My effort was in vain, when I fell back down and hit my shoulders on the floor.

I decided to lie down on the straw mat and not move until I felt better; the pain was already unbearable. 

I tried to recall whatever had happened, until I dozed off. I remembered everything bit by bit, even the part where I was (not really sure how or why) saved. So, this person, is the stranger who’d saved me from the inevitable sense of my mind. 

To be Continued...