Ambivalence

It was a cold morning. My eyes peeked into the empty dark room. My body felt stiff and weak; like that of an old man, who neglects to get up.

My eyes felt lazy and drooped down as my eyelids collided and pushed me from my realm.

A loud beeping sound broke through my ears and penetrared through my mind as I shifted aside and opened my eyes; "6 AM", beeped the alarm on my phone.

I pushed myself from the floor, accidently trampling on my design sheets and scattering paint on the floor; I let out a groan. There were just three more sheets to go.

My semi unconcious self pushed me to the wash; being a student architect, this was more of the usual drama. 

But today, it was going to be different. I decided, to not just sleep through my holiday, but instead, to maybe get back in shape. 

"A jog wouldn't hurt", I thought. 

I looked into the mirror and splashed the cold water on my face, immediately shaking awake. I stretched out a little as I felt the muscles in my body, hurt with pleasure and the stifness melted away. 

I put on my running shoes and started the engine to my enfield; the thumping of the exhaust echoed through the silent morning.

*     *      * 
The beach is an open sight to many joggers that appear in the morning. 

I parked my motorcycle and swivelled out of the seat. The morning air felt fresh, with the smell of the salt lingering about the strong ocean breeze.

The cold morning brought in about only a few joggers this time; maybe two or three. They panted along the stretch with their arms moving to the rhythm of their earphones.

I reassurred that my shoe laces were intact, did a few more stretches, plugged in my earphones and started the routine. The gravel crunched beneath, as my pulsating heart made its way to my ears.

I ran a few stretches and came back to the initial area of the beach. I sat down on the sand, with my legs crossed between my arms; the music still ringing in my ears. I grabbed the water bottle and gulped down its entirety, as I felt the heat evaporate from my body.

Right about then, I removed my earphones and focused on the sea. It crashed along the shoreline, kissing it everytime it returned; as if they were old lovers.

"Good morning sir", said a cheery voice behind me. "Quite a lovely day isnt it?"

I turned around to find an old man. He wore a worn out tweed coat that fitted misproportionately along his small, weak body. His hair was greyed out and in tangles. He carried a violin in his hands.

"Not bad for a cold morning", I responded blankly.
"Do you come here often then", he asked.
"Not quite, actually."
 "Hmm, but a rather special place this is, isn't it?"
I nodded.
"So, let me play a tune for you then?"
I nodded again.

He brought his violin to his shoulders and composed himself. With a small jerk, he started playing a melody. His eyes were closed and his eyebrows raised and in emotion, as his creased forehead wrinkled further.

The melody hit my heart with all the emotion it was carrying along with it. It wasn't sad; rather, it was jovial. He carried a faint smile on his lips and his body swayed along with the tweed coat and danced to the rhythm of his music.

Once he was done, he let down a bow.

"Thank you, that was great", I smiled. "You do know how to spread your cheer."
"Why thank you sir, that is my job", he smiled back.

I pushed myself up from the sand and patted away the remaining that stuck on to me.

"Come, lets have some tea", I motioned.

He was a little hesitant in the beginning, but then, he agreed and moved along to a small beach shack, following me.

As we sat there, cupping the glass of tea to consume its heat, I saw him look at the distance, towards the sea; he looked sad.

"How do you keep everyone happy?" I asked. "I have seen you before you know, kids love you."

"One must undergo his greatest pain to understand the value of happiness", he said. "Because you see, it is easy to spread sorrow, but to make someone happy requires courage".

I looked as his smile drifted away.

"Do you mind me asking, what happened?"
"No, not at all. Most people here already know my story", he replied.

I took in a sip of the tea and felt its steam melting through my mouth.

"I used to have a family once", he began. "My wife... she died giving birth to my only son."

I listened intently.

"I...I was a bad father; I used to blame my son for killing his mother. Sometimes, I used to beat him up after coming home drunk; you see, I had this really bad drinking problem."

He paused for a moment. We both looked at the eagles swirling majestically in the blue.

"I loved my wife and loosing her took a very bad toll on me", he continued. "The biggest mistake of my life was what I did to my son; I shouldn't have taken out my frustration on him."

"Where is your son now?"

"He left home when he was sixteen; ran away from this hellhole. He was a very bright kid, but fate pushed him to work as a labourer for years, in some construction company in Cochin."

His voice started to shudder as his eyes flooded with tears.

"A few years later", he made a dramatic pause. "He died in an accident while working for the same construction company."

"I am really sorry!" I said. "I didn't know".

"That's okay, please dont be." He said with tears still in his eyes. The tea shack vendor looked at him with sympathy. 

"He has a wife and a daughter, he continued."

"Are they here?"

"Yes. My daughter-in-law works as a maid in the neighbouring houses and my granddaughter is six years old now", his lips made an effort to smile. 

My eyes were on the empty glasses of tea, trying to process everything I had just heard. 

"Sometimes, I wish life had given me a second chance," he said. "Sometimes, I only wish I had been a better parent. Maybe if I were, I could have given him a better education, a better job and maybe, just maybe, I could've saved him from his ill fate. My little Treesa would have had her father."

Both of us sat quietly for a minute or two.

"Why did you tell me this?" I asked. " I mean, I don't mean to be rude, but, we dont even know each other properly."

"Well sometimes, we all meet each other for a reason. You happened to remind me of my son; something told me I could trust you."

I didn't respond.

"Now look what I just did" , he chuckled. "I just ruined your morning didn't I?"

"No, no!" I protested. "You told nothing but the truth and the truth maybe painful, but it can't be depressing."

"Let me make it upto you", he said and lifted his violin and placed it on his shoulders again. The symphony of sweet sorrow filled the atmosphere, along with the sounds of the sea, as we walked along to the shore once again and for a moment, all the problems drifted away. 

*       *         *

We all take things for granted. A family, is the most important thing that a person can have as a sense of belonging to. 

Most of us never spend enough time with our families and then, regret it later in life. A family should have nothing but pure, sweet love; whether it is from a parent to a child, or the other way around.

Try to make the most of what you have right now, for we don't know what may happen in the future. 

Keep spreading your cheer people! Until next time :)